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March 16, 2014

“Consultation” 

I am married and I live with my wife and kids on Pleasant Gove Road, out in the suburbs.

My street looks like every street you have seen in every commercial since 1957.

Ever since I first came here, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

I am afraid that I might have depression – although I’m not entirely sure why.

I do everything I am supposed to do. – To be happy.

But I still feel that life may not be what I thought it might.

I have two children – both bright; and clean – an older sister to a younger brother – and they have lots of little clean friends. Some of them have been long-fast friends since they first met at Daycare.

Our nanny cleans our toilets every third day; and our bedroom always smells like it belongs in an ad for a 4-star hotel. In fact, our house is so perfect it has been used in ads for real estate, and interior design magazines.  

I start my day – every day! – with a 5-k jog, a Body-Shop shower involving strawberries and mangos, eat 2 free-range eggs, and drink a glass of [plant-sterol] fortified Orange Juice.

I commute to work in “my new car!” – line up for ten minutes at my favorite Tim Horton’s – smile at all my colleagues – and joyfully move electronic paper from my cubicle to yours – and then get back into my “brand new car!” and in a couple of hours, when I get home, I like to take my beautiful family out for a wonderful dinner at Swiss Chalet or The Keg.

I really do have a fabulous and loving wife. I love how she loves being a soccer mom; how she loves keeping our house so clean; how she keeps herself so trim, and our sheets so white!

My daughter dreams of being a doctor – and a wife – and a mother. And our son wants to be an astronaut. Or an athlete. But I know he’ll be just as happy as a stockbroker, or a banker.

I can’t wait to watch them grow up. Watch my boy become a man. Proudly giving my daughter away.

I want to be that grand-dad who greets his son in his corner office, and we will go for ‘a golf’, and a pint of Old Mills.

For now though, they both play soccer, and little Sarah takes tai-kwon-do lessons, while Jake studies piano. They both get straight A’s in school, and help feed the sick out of our local church basement on Saturday mornings.

Every second Saturday, after the kids are safely off to bed, I take a Viagra. My wife and I will then finish watching our Saturday Night CSI crime drama re-run, and then for the next seventeen minutes I remind my wife of why she really married me in the first place!

After which she usually takes a Sleep Eze-type product because she says she likes getting a really  good Saturday night sleep.

The kids are always up early on Sunday mornings, diligently (happily) doing their homework at the kitchen table, while mom bakes cookies and makes bread in her new breadmaker and I read the newspaper. That’s when the kitchen really shines!

We don’t go to church, except for the high holidays, and usually spend Sunday cycling in the park, or just standing outside cleaning the car. I know we are blessed.

 There are a lot of things I love in this world. I love everything I have. I love my car. My impeccable home. I love being fit, and I love a good day’s work.  I love being straight and never confused about my sexual identity. I love being monogamous, and never having impure thoughts about that friendly smile I get every morning from that young barista when I place my order for my double-double.

I love that my neighbours all come out on Saturday mornings and cut their grass, and chit-chat to me while we wash-down our cars and driveways. I love that we all share the same values, live in the same houses, drive the same commute, watch the same TV, and eat the same red meat just in from our evening bar-be-ques.

My wife and I had a bit of a tiff the other night, and it really stressed us out. I’m not even sure what we argued about now. She said that maybe we just needed to go on a holiday. You know – as a way of treating our anxiety. So she booked us a trip to the Caribbean somewhere. She said we could get double air-miles if we put the entire trip on our VISA card. So we jumped at the chance.

It seems to me that the world is a little too uptight these days; crying wolf too much. People don’t seem to understand that now that we have hybrid SUVs, the forest and the deer will always be there for me to drive my kids through.

And I never see any fat people eating at McDonalds.

And after you have exercised, Coca-Cola really is a great refresher!

Life really can be so simple. And so straight-forward. That’s why I wanted to move out here – out of the downtown. You get to live a good clean life out here.

Sure, we all comb our hair the same way, and we are a little obsessed with dandelions and flossing our teeth. It’s not that big a deal that  we all seem to like to go to the same movies, watch the same TV, and eat the same popcorn! It’s a good life!

Uncomplicated.

I do everything I am supposed to do. – To be happy.

But I still feel that life may not be what I thought it might be.

But I’m not sure what it is that I think I am missing. I’m not a complicated man.

I have no deviant desires.    

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2SRG8OqNqA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYSO2BHQ1qE

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