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Put (your) face here.

December 12, 2013

If my life were like what I see in commercials I’d clean my toilet every third day, and my bathroom would always look like it belonged in a 4-star hotel.

I’d have two children – both bright and clean and curious – preferably an ten-year-old older sister to a seven-year-old younger brother – and they would have lots of little clean friends (who’d be both Asian and Black. Well, maybe more creamy than black.) They have all known each other since daycare, and have joined the same violin lessons, gymnastics classes, and worked together on their daily Kumon exercises.

I start my day – every day! – with a 6am 5-k jog, a Body-Shop shower involving strawberries or mangos, a breakfast of free-range eggs and whole grain bagels, and [plant-sterol] fortified Orange Juice.

I commute to work in my “new car!” – line up at my favorite Tim Horton’s – smile politely at my colleagues – and joyfully move electronic paper from my cubicle to yours. And at the end of the day I get in my “brand new car!” and take my beautiful wife and our beautiful children out for a fabulous dinner at Swiss Chalet or to The Keg.  (My children really do clean up nice, and they know we are so proud of them when they put on their best behaviours.)

I have a fabulous and wonderful loving wife. I love my wife very much. I love how she keeps herself neat and trim; how she loves being a soccer mom; how she obsseses about keeping our house so clean; our sheets so white. She makes almost as much money as me (but not quite), and she treats her nanny so well. It’s really nice that she almost never thinks of her as our servant.

My daughter, when she was younger, always wanted to be a dentist. But then she had to get cosmetic braces to ward off future self-esteem issues, and ever since, she has dreamed of becoming a doctor. Our son wants to be an astronaut. But he’ll just as happily be an athlete, a scholar, or a banker.

For now, they both play soccer and hockey, get straight A’s in school, and help feed the sick on weekends. 

When they grow up, I’ll happily give my glowing daughter away to a new man, a handsome and upright man, and I’ll greet my son in his corner office on sunny afternoons and we will go for a golf and a pint of Old Mills.

Every second Saturday, I take a Viagra (around 10:30) – after the kids are safely off to bed – and then my wife and I pop a crime procedural into the DVD and relax for a while, before for seventeen minutes (I maintain the national average) I remind her of why she really married me in the first place!

Caffeine is the biggest stimulant in my life these days (now that I no longer smoke). But even caffeine can be too much for me, and so I occasionally have to take some Sleep-Eaze-type product. But that’s usually only a couple of times a week. Usually sleeping is not a problem for me, as I hardly get more than 5 hours sleep a night as it is. What with the 2 hour daily commute and the corporate ladder and maintaining my own corner office.

 The kids are up early on Sunday mornings, diligently (happily) doing their homework at the kitchen table in their freshly starched pajamas, while mom bakes cookies and makes fresh bread in the breadmaker. We don’t go to church anymore (no one fashionable does), and mom usually takes the kids to spend Sunday afternoons in the park, so I can watch the ballgame in peace. We don’t go to church but we know we are blessed.

I love that my neighbours all come out on Saturday mornings and cut their grass and chit-chat with me about the weather, or sports, while we wash-down our driveways and trim our lawns. I love that we all share the same values, live in the same houses, drive the same commute, watch the same TV, laugh at the same jokes, and eat the same steaks just in from the bar-be-que.

We did a fabulous cruise last January with our neighbours, The Fergusons.

When we decided we deserved a break from all of our stress, recognized that we needed a little winter getaway to the Land of the Brown People, and that we could get double air-miles if we put it all on VISA, we jumped at the chance.

Life is so simple here. And so straight-forward. We live good lives. Clean lives. We all comb our hair. We all floss our teeth.

I love my life!

I love my car! My cottage! My impeccable home!

I love being fit, and I love a good day’s work.

I love being straight and never being confused about my sexual identity.

I love being monogamous, and never having impure thoughts about that friendly smile I get every morning from the twenty-something barista when I place my order for my double-double.

I love my uncomplicated life.

I have no deviant desires.

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